Finding the Joy in Saying Goodbye

Last night I had a dream. I was back at Wesleyan. I was packing up the piece of my room that I always leave until the last minute, the pink sheets that my grandma bought for me, the gold polka dotted comforter that my mom and I found at Target, and the pillows that have seen tears and smiles and hugs and friends. In this dream, I was screaming and crying and telling my dad that I didn’t want to leave. Handing my dad those last few items that made my little dorm room feel like home while tears strolled down my face felt more real than any dream I’ve had in a long time. I woke up with the feeling of having awoken to a nightmare. 

It is no coincidence that I had this dream just a few days after finishing finals, after hitting the halfway mark of my college career.  It wasn’t until I awoke from this nightmare that I realized I had not given myself the time to process the loss of the last few months of sophomore year and the fear of what lies ahead. ּBetween online classes, working at Andy’s, and adjusting to a new life in Marin, I did not allow myself to be sad. I am a person who always looks at the glass half full. When I had to come home from a school that I love with all my heart early, I thought to myself, “well at least I can get a job,” and “at least I can spend valuable time with my family.” But I was so busy trying to see the good, that I forgot how to be sad. I didn’t give myself the space to cry, to listen to Rivers and Roads while staring out the window, to think about what could have been. 

When I was a freshman in high school, I started cognitive behavioral therapy to treat separation anxiety. At the start of the year I could not spend one night away from parents without panic attacks and a come pick me up call. But by the end of the year I got on a bus to a five day overnight in Los Angeles with my school. And a year later (after a lot more therapy) I went to Nicaragua with URJ Mitzvah Corps. But even then, never in my wildest dreams, could I have imagined attending a university 4,000 miles away from my parents. It took hard work to get myself to Wesleyan and I am grateful and proud of myself everyday that I put in that work, to live independently and create my own little world away from the Jewish Bay Area that had been my home for so many years. 

Wesleyan has been the absolute best place for me. Orientation was really, really hard and the adjustment back to campus after breaks was always a challenge but overall, I had pretty much gotten this whole living independently thing down. And then after Thanksgiving Break of my Sophomore year, my mental health went south. I had panic attacks like I had never felt before and couldn’t do the things that had been so simple and enjoyable just weeks or even days earlier. All I wanted was to be home, watching Netflix in the living room with my parents. It got so bad that my incredible mother flew out to Connecticut to get me through what felt like the longest finals week in the world. But then I came home for Winter break. And I got better. I started taking anti-anxiety meds. I read self help books, ran everyday, and I learned for the first time what real self-care feels like. I went back to campus in January a stronger version of myself.  And it was glorious. I enjoyed every midnight drive to the 24 hour diner, every late night in the library, and country music, smoothie blending mornings with my roommate. Things were so good that I even went to Spain for Spring Break with two of my best friends. I had never been more independent in my life. There is no version of my past self that could have imagined future Shayna having the courage and friends to go on such an adventure. 

And then I had to say goodbye. To Spain, to Wesleyan, to my friends, and to my independence. There were days in my first week of orientation, or even this past December, that I would have given anything for a global pandemic to send me home to the loving arms of my parents. But on March 12th, 2020, I was not ready to say goodbye. But say goodbye I did, to the pink sheets that my grandma bought for me, the gold polka dotted comforter that my mom and I found at Target, and the pillows that have seen tears and smiles and hugs and friends.

I wish I hadn’t had to say goodbye. But I am so grateful to miss that place in the middle of nowhere Connecticut. The tears that will eventually fall and the sadness that remains for the memories never made, are signs of courage, of growth, of a woman unafraid. 

So maybe last night’s dream was a nightmare, and truthfully the reality of moving out of my dorm that day back in March was just as horrifying and scary and sad. But thank God it was. 

Grocery Stories

It’s been such a long time since I’ve gotten the chance to write. That’s putting it nicely. I was very lazy and did not want to write unless I really really had to. I turned in two papers over a week late so there was no way I would be writing for fun. But now it’s almost the end of my sophomore year at Zoom University and I’ve spent a lot of today thinking and reflecting so I thought it might be a good idea to put some things to paper. 

Working at Andy’s market has been my saving grace through all of this. I love the day to day drama that goes on in grocery stores these days. It’s also just been so nice to have coworkers become friends. I feel so lucky to no longer be socially isolated. I look forward to going to work because it means interacting with humans below the age of 50 (sorry Ima and dad). 

One day at work I thought it would be a good idea to take notes on all the funny things that happened so I could write about them in my next blog post. That was one month ago. It turns out when I write everything down there’s less of an urgency to write a blog post before I forget everything. So I won’t be doing that again. But I will be sharing the blog post that was supposed to come out of those scribbles a month ago. It will sound appropriate for a blog post the day after passover ended because it was supposed to be written the day after Passover ended. Just pretend you’re reading this a month ago. Okay? I’m really writing all these blog posts for future me to look back on and future me isn’t going to know the difference between April and May. Well now she will. Sorry future Shayna. I tried.

Important note: My original notes include writing a paragraph about farting due to all the Matzah consumption. Maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t write this a month ago because in hindsight that is disgusting and you do not want to read about that. So you’re welcome. No fart paragraph for you. 

Everyday there seems to be a new item that everyone is buying in a panic. First it was toilet paper, then yeast, then flour, and today, bread. I don’t really understand that one. Yes I understand the need for toilet paper and boy do I relate to stress baking but nobody stress makes sandwiches. Maybe parents are just really dependent on PB&J’s right now. This bread craze was especially challenging for me as the day that it happened was two days before the end of passover so I still could not eat bread. And I had to hold it in my hands, scan it, and hand it to someone else who got to eat it. Don’t even get me started on all the people who bought pizza fresh out of the oven. Gosh darn them and their incredible smelling pizza. 

I’m learning so much about vegetables. Who knew there were so many kinds of apples? Probably all the people who live on the East Coast and went apple picking every year of their childhood. I feel deprived. Actually, I got to grow up in California, I’m over it. I also learned that there’s a difference between yams and sweet potatoes!! This one was a huge shocker to me. Like maybe earth shattering. Did other people know this??? Please let me know. I’m not over it and this happened a month ago. 

I’ve become excellent at walking back and forth behind my register. It’s my new cardio. I’m not kidding, my Fitbit tells me I get over 10,000 steps the days that I’m at work. I have to beat my mom in our daily step battles somehow and this seems like the best solution. Also the store plays really good music so sometimes my walking back and forth turns into a little bit of a bopping back and forth. I surely entertain whoever watches the security camera footage. So I did not lie that the store plays really good music, BUT it is the same music every single day. When I first started working I told one of my coworkers how much I loved the playlist. Then he said, “give it a few weeks.” Oh boy was he right. I might rip my ears off if I have to hear Lean on Me one more time. But on the bright side, when I listen to them a few year from now, all these songs will bring me right back to this time in my life.

On a completely unrelated note, my new favorite pastime is reading bad reviews of Andy’s on next door. They are so funny and unfortunately so accurate. Man, next door is brutal. I will never piss off any of my neighbors. There was one thread about the $70 toilet paper and whether that was price gouging. I learned from the source (Andy) that they were not, that’s just how much toilet paper costs now but man, people have VERY strong feelings about toilet paper prices. 

Another popular item right now, as you can probably imagine, is alcohol. Also the carding with masks on has not gotten easier. The other day I carded a 44 year old man. With his mask on he looked like a child. I hope he saw the shock on my face when I saw the year 1976 on his ID. I also hope he took it as a compliment.  I have learned way too much about my customers’ drinking habits. They feel a need to defend their alcohol purchases. My favorite defense that I’ve heard so many times is “all I can do right now is sit on the couch and drink beer.” Like I get it but also, there are so many other things you could be doing other than sitting on your couch and drinking beer. Like you do you, drink all you want, but don’t try to defend yourself by telling me there’s literally nothing else you can do. Maybe go for a walk. Watch a movie. Play a game. You could even sit on the couch and drink some nice bubbly water instead. If you’re going to sit on your couch and drink beer all day (which tbh I would do if I was 21 and didn’t have to go to school) just buy the beer and walk out of the store. 

Well that’s enough ranting for now. Hopefully my next post will be in less than a month from now. Stay well and as I say to all of my customers because I never know what time of day it is "have a good one."